Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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