If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
