She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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