My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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