so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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