Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
