This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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