i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
