Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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