well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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