When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
