i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
