If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize