There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How does one acquire holy water?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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