i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I think my fart just growled at me.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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