Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
