I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
