Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize