Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize