Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
