Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Randomize
