you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
