Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
