another moral hangover. fuck.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
