Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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