if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
