I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
it was like eating out sand paper
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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