Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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