It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
