Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
