this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
