Jerry, you need to find god
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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