Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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