yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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