There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
