she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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