You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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