Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
