I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he told me I talked like a deaf person
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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