Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
