shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
