Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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