I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
