Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
