I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
