In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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