I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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