just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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