Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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