I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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