had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize