A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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