I wish they made helmets for livers.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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