White coat. Heels.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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