you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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