This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize