when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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