I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
