batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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