I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
