I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
